It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
