Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
