his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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