U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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