Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
