he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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