My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
