i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
