I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
