I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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