I am in a vortex of obligation.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
