I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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