i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
