I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
