I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize