as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize