New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
