Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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