i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize