Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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