My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
