I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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