party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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