nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I love having hate sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
