I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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