wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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