ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
