I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
