you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
