I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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