i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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