If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
ttyl tear gas
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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