I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize