i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
