I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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