listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
