i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
