Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
