If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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