**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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