Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
