friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
