I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
