Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
