we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
