Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Don't EVER smell your tampon
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
