nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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