Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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