Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
