Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
