My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
