Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is Oprah even human
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
