You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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