They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
