I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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