woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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