I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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