If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
