he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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