well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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