if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
