He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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