Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
