explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
