Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
