he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
