we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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