hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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