Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize